After a heartbreaking miscarriage, I found it very challenging to heal while taking care of my son who was only 9 months at the time. I was more grateful for him than ever before, but it also made the loss of my second pregnancy that much more real. While I was deep in my grief those first few months, I knew that eventually we had to try again even though I was terrified. Little did I know that God had a wonderful plan for us…
I got a positive pregnancy test a few months later and a healthy first checkup and ultrasound. I wish I could say that first appointment put me at ease, but I can’t. It was an anxiety-ridden first trimester. It took until my 20 week ultrasound to actually believe that I wouldn’t lose this pregnancy too. Slowly after that point, fear started to subside. I still had difficult days, but I clung onto my faith; it felt like God literally carried me through that pregnancy. I couldn’t have done it without Him.
In February of 2018, I delivered my healthy, second boy. The moment I heard his cry was beyond overwhelming for me; I felt like I couldn’t breathe, but this time it was because I was filled with such joy. You see, most of my pregnancy I felt like I couldn’t breathe because I was so fearful of losing him. When he was born with that healthy cry I was completely overcome with so many emotions. A giant burden had been lifted off of me.
I wish I could tell you that pregnancy after loss is easy, but that wouldn’t be the truth. For many women, it’s a very difficult thing to go through after the trauma of a miscarriage. My first pregnancy (before loss) and my third one were like a night and day difference. I guess you could say I was a bit naive because I didn’t know what a miscarriage was like – and once I did – I knew my pregnancies would never be the same.
What I can tell you though (that I mentioned in another post) is that majority of women who experience miscarriage(s) go on to have healthy babies in the future. This miscarriage does not define you or your future. You cannot see what is waiting ahead of you. I know I didn’t. I couldn’t have imagined a more beautiful rainbow baby for our family. God provided exactly what our family needed. And although I can’t see my second child here on earth, I know I will meet them someday in heaven; this visual has always given me comfort. God allowed me to experience a miscarriage, but now looking back, I see that he was protecting and caring for us the whole rainbow pregnancy. While I was doubting I’d ever have another baby, God knew I would get pregnant months later and deliver a healthy son who add so much joy to our family. Hope was never gone even when I thought it was. All the tears and prayers were worth it. God gave me two amazing boys and I couldn’t be grateful.
October has come and gone, but let’s continue to honor Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness all year round by sharing our stories and helping other loss moms through their pain. I want every mom that is currently going through this storm to know… I understand completely. My heart is with you. I’m so sorry. It’s not your fault. Give yourself all the time you need to grieve. Try again when you want to. I pray that through your pain and heartbreak, a rainbow would emerge for you too!
Check out my personal story of grief published in Dayspring’s Sweet Tea for the Soul! It’s a compilation of 50 stories of grief meant to comfort those going through loss.